fuck

there is music. the ocean. there is that stone you notice while walking, puffing up the mountain with the greenish shade and bluish tinge seems odd enough. like an individual.

there is geometry. the estimation of the mountain tall approximately 2 kms away using geometry.

constant fascination.

there is love, or the illusion. and then there is the memory of love.
entangled, embroiled and cluttered.

it is good, the unlearning of the lessons. sometimes.

there is the demand of sleep, only the desire lacks. the desire.

there is music.
there is the trance. the languid state like suspended animation while plucking, straining your fingertips and straining the guitar string to prolong the music linger.

there is the overstrain where the fibres on your skeletal frame refuse to relax in protest of the abuse the previous evening.

the desire lacking.

there is that chaos in your headbox, the conflict, the mist. cogitating, regurgitating the same notions, ideals, virtues clashing in lethal contradiction. war within a breath and boom!
the constructions desecrate. tumbling down to rubble. the dust settles to clarity. no obstructions, no interference, inconveniences to your sight. I see.

what occurs then is a birth. in the annihilation occurs genesis. occurred and its been a while.

the mind replays tricky. repetition of the conundrum long solved.

time for the sabbatical. initiate the holocaust of thought.

I am blessed with opportunity, lady luck has smiled my way a few times :)

Indifference!!!

I swallowed poison greedily, till I grew immune.

too much of a particular thing gets too boring.
I am again 14 years old chasing, romancing mother nature and she nurtures me well.
ataraxia. paradise. aurora. eden. ataraxia.
the hills. the endless ocean. the deep cave and twilight. the night chill and moonlight.
the mountain and its peak and the wind that blows over me.
inky black oblivion night and stars are surrounding me.

lady love I'm longing, lusting, listening.
trembling. yearning her touch. her embrace.
I'll run. I'll forget. I'll run past the throbbing heart. I run because I thirst and my eyes are hungry and her eyes are wild. I'll run in the blizzard soaking wet and I'll run because time stands still. I will.
I’m gliding ‘hopelessly’
I'm 14 again :)

momentary tender touch and worthy submission.
there is no armour. armour wears me out. so I imbibe just a naive faith, that I survive. I have.

It is good to know I haven't lost my 14 year old self.

its fascinating. fascination is the food that sustains while everything else abstains.
persistence and discovery. wonderment. application. Joy!

I'll wait till she comes along. I want to let it out. there's so much that flows within.

till then, i'm !!!

good!

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "aye."

And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.


~Kahlil Gibran

The Awakening

the cry, the moon beckons
alienation. transformation.
complete.

blood thirst. crazy eyes rove.
unsettling. the predator has assumed.
blood thirst.

running. chasing. running away.
running towards the wild. the cry.
the woods beckon the beast.
the wind beckons the beast.
rage all consuming. engulf. embrace.

the release, it howls.
it has come to the belonging.
the gathering. the swaying grass.
the search is over.
the journey has begun.

FURY

Life is fury, he'd thought. Fury - sexual, Oedipal, political, magical, brutal - drives us to our finest heights and coarsest depths. Out of furia comes creation, inspiration, originality, passion, but also viloence, pain, pure unafraid destruction, the giving and receiving of blows from which we never recover. The Furies pursue us; Shiva dances his furious dance to create and also to destroy. But never mind about gods! Sara ranting at him represented the human spirit in its purest, least socialized form. This is what we are, what we civilize ourselves to disguise - the terrifying human animal in us, the exalted, transcendent, self-destructive, untrammelled lord of creation. We raise each other to the heights of joy. We tear each other limb from fucking limb.

~Salman Rushdie in Fury.

Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.


~Kahlil Gibran.

Tabula Rasa

1. you find yourself. the vision. you create yourself. that vision.
   
2. never compromise.
   
3. You were born complete. realize it. don't become one with the other. don't coalesce with the beloved . The void you seek to fill is the want for answers and only answers will fit perfectly. perpetually.
   
4. be brutal. be ruthless. be honest to yourself. have the courage to be so.
5. do not let the fear steer. do not let the fear incarcerate.
6. be your own master. your own teacher. you cannot learn the way to be by observation. no one may guide you, do not look for guidance. you will be misled. experience. you will be enlightened. be your own messiah.
   
7. all relations are based on mutual respect. Don't ever act to harm that respect. it doesn't remain a bond otherwise.
   
8. No one has the right to expect anything and hold you in obligations unless you offer so.
9. Always do a thing because YOU want to do it. Not because you should / shouldn't or because somebody else expects you to do it. be genuine.
10. So long as the subject is worth fighting for, never give up. Things will be if you want them to be. Believe it. if you get tired, admit it. using your humanity as cover is cowardice, a disgusting pity of an excuse. don't blame your humanity.
    

Ascension

slow moving light her tread benigh
hovering slight and not too high
slow ascent, grace imbodiment
footsteps ascending slowly, gently, like a whisper.
wilderness locks flowing forever so.
impenetrable eyes rebound the gaze.
she's walking towards her own, the stone throne.
The queen of immortal birth.

Stated

note: woman here means a lot of things. the feminification of cities, planes, places, mothersea, the sky, open country, forests, ideas, regular HAPPENINGS, things one can just discover and immerse oneself in. and of course, women, too. and their contours. and their neural convolutions. bloodlines of cities, and veins, arteries, histories, the pulse and the midnight beat. the things a craft can do, the arms of motherlove, the cool air and breeze of lush rained upon meadows, and rolling hills forever, the depths, the meanings. MEANING.
and that is all my hyde asks for.

- kunal golani

Explicit Definition.

composed completely cacofonycally. it seems misfit. ironic, is the subtlety. diverts attention, if you can see. ahhh if i could hear those sounds again..

a picture says a thousand words
the red tree - Piet Mondrian.


dead weight.
morbid. living.
give me more. give me more.
make me live.
satiate this hunger. i want more.
make me bleed.
slice my face. scar my cheek.
make my blood flow. i want to taste it.
insipid. breathing.
my heart beating.
my veins are throbbing.
breathing.
screaming.
beating. like a drum.
A sound of the silence.
make me live. give me more.
insatiable hunger. i want to cry.
i've never cried. why can't i cry?
i don't cry. genetic anomaly.
how beautiful it be. the mist covered tree.
falling. flying. the mist surrounds me.
breathing.
screaming.
flying. floating.
in pain. pain. my pleasure.
the pain makes it real.
everything.
give me more.
take a sword and stab through.
25 times. stab swift. retract slowly.
come again. encore.
my veins are throbbing.
my blood is bound for release.
it flows free now. i relish the sight
a velvet red sparkling in the night.
morphine. subtle injection.
dripping. dropping. it traces my finger tips.
extermination. commit conscious rejection.
a precursor to my bloodbath.
and when i'm white with no drop in sight.
kiss me a last.
and leave me in the whistling silence.
i will feel the wind.
i want to feel its lashes.
i will drown in the tempest,
as she carriers me to her womb,
and she embraces me amongst the haze.
carrying me higher. i'm looking down now.
vertigo. as the rush comes.
how does it still come?
its coming.
the past is coming.
slowly unravelling.
faster than a free fall.
psychiatry contaminated.
embroiled. effacive spawn.
wound the hand that nourished.
breed in what you covet.

skewed caricature.
edged on to the edge of the clif.
at the summit. above the clouds.
level eyed sun.
beside the falling water. amidst the mist.
and as the rush comes.
falling.
as the rush comes.
torpor.

prophecy will be re-written.
re-genesis.

Coolio

Its not narcissism. its the feeling of achievement. i will get used to it. pride eventually becomes a part of the ego and in usual circumstance, raises your intolerance level. its an unusual circumstance. my tolerance level has been put to extreme test and i am astounded. tolerance to slime and filth, my capacity for pain surprises me. My endurance surprises me. lol, its hard not to feel vain when your actions discover the inherent and intrinsic.when situations coerced and you overcome, regardless if others don't. stronger than ever before. pleasantly surprising to discover what one is made of? very :)
existence has elevated to a higher level. the earth which i stand upon is now a plateau. if i jump to reach out for a foothold upon the mountain and miss, i'll fall back on this plateau. elevation. revelation! it is in my blood.

oh and. its stupid when people lie and think the other person incapable of comprehension. the demeanour of "Oh really!! why didn't you tell me earlier?!!" when you have already given into your insatiated curiousity, discovered and cogitated all there was to ; is highly amusing. specifically when you are the one who initiates the topic. heh. Here you stand. appearing to be surprised. desiring to be told what needn't concern you. deducting any link which you can interpret as importance to furthur fire your vanity. here i stand. observing you and trying hard, VERY hard, to suppress a smile. well.. because the distinction from a smirk is blurred.
*ROTFL!* HOOO HOOO HOO!!! HAA HAA HAA!

yes my dear. you are too smart.


On a still lighter note, my 5 day stay in chennai culminated in a fantastic closure. The people who were tolerant enough to allow a chaos propagating disheveller like moi, took me to the beautiful temples of mahabalipuram. the sculptures are magnificent. magnificent erotica. the sun kissed rocks emanating heat is an apt euphemism for their degree of hotness. HOT. (fuck. i have to visit khajurao.)
The temples and their sculptures are carved from monoliths. Light brown. The entire spectacle of tetrahedral arclike mounds of earth (the temples) and the surrounding earth blending in continuem is amazing.
the picturesque view of the azure ocean while the constant sea breeze ramming your body is amazing. and this when your standing on a singular rock elevated 50ft above ground level.
amazing.

Thereof i headed off to a snake and croc farm. Now, i've ALWAYS had a fascination with snakes. i've been watching all snake shows that come on NAT GEO / Discovery / Animal planet etc etc since i was 10. Needless to say i was mighty excited watching numerous cobras, russel vipers and kraits being milked. watching from a distance of 4ft from the mound of snakes. watching the reactions of others at every cobra strike. clicked loads of pics and videos \m/
I also handled an adorable adolescent python! first off, the thrill of a snake around your neck while the snake bobs around the nape is incomparable. adrenaline pumps out from all corners of your heart. very exciting. simultaneously, cold contractions of snake skin provide for a VERY comfortable massage. i couldn't help smiling :)

snakes are harmless with simplistic instincts. beautiful. misinterpretted by society coz they're "creepy". feared and denigraded. know them better and the fear will convert to excitement. calling someone a snake is actually a praise. what you actually mean when you do call someone a snake, is slimeball. sluglike disgusting. (viola! now you stand corrected!)

coming back to the narration of my amazing trip, i fed fish to around 60 crocs in the same pit. the crocs moved over other crocs like each was a spring which propelled for forward motion. freakin amazing how freakin heavy crocs allow freakin heavy crocs to step on their freakin huge heads to catch food.
Huge aligators. a 30 ft reticulated python. a 5ft white cobra (albino snake. VERY rare). most awesome!

finally, i headed off to a place called dakshin chitra (a view of the south). it basically provides for models of culture local to kerala, andhra pradesh and the like. i saw a potter at his job. curious, with alacrity, i asked if i could too. paid him Rs Ten in exchange for muddy hands and another revelation; I have awesomely skilled hands.
went to a glass blower therafter and blew my lungs out. the glass expounded like a chewing gum bubble. drooping red ball. inverted relfection of inanimate objects with swollen cheeks. abstract, in an arbit manner.

coolio!
all this was done in a day. all lie on the same way. i recommend highly. awesome, it be. will make you wiry.
adieos!

The Bounty

stupid stupid stupid.
rapid, lucid, rabid.
inducive. conclusive
i shan't bother any longer.

i'll clench my fists and grind my teeth.
do the required to commence retreat.

dive headfirst into the pitch black sea.
furthur below, on an inward spiral.
journey commences from disgust of me.
i shan't bother any longer.

blessed oblivion, embrace me.

Reflections

God is a name man has given to the answer of the question "what created the universe, the world and everything?"No matter how grateful or resentful you might be of your existence, it has no influence on your being. god is powerless. those who believe in the "almighty" cannot find the strength to trust themselves. the only real accomplishment of this noble concept is its accentuatuation of our mannerisms and effect in dialogue, or monologue. a tool of emphasis used verbatim or literatim. expressions like "God, damn it" or "god! i hate it". Faith makes life easier. I don't need it.


Destiny is a concoction of the cowardly and resigned.
Those who believe,lack the strength to fight circumstance. like water takes the shape of the container, they adjust to environment. the conformists. blame destiny and look the other way. it is much easier. I don't need to.

another fragmential consequence of the immaculate concept of destiny is the saying "whatever happens will be for the best" illogical. absurd. abhorrent. god i hate it. how can you know what's best if you don't know all your options? you, only you, choose what's best. the only possible way of knowing your options is to explore and explore in completion. else there is no use in exploration at all. obtain finality and choose. I choose to.

Love. a concept common man has come to idealize. idealizations are unattainable. else they won't be ideal. satisfaction is the only measure. following your idealizations is the only way for attainment, when the satisfaction is superlative.love exists and is far from ideal. the bond between a mother and her child is common proof. if you explain this relationship, you know what "louuve" is. mother-child relationship is of an instinctive nature. like reflexes. if you have any idea of evolutionary biology, you will know what a conditional relfex is ; when you learn to recognize the stimuli hitherto uncoded in your genes, you develop a consequential "learnt" relfex.

love is simply a hormonal imbalance, an excess of oxyotocin, mostly. childbirth in a woman releases hormones instinctively. your mind is the trigger in other "lovey-dovey" relationships. the hypothallamus in your cerebrum, the secretory gland. hence, your mind controls the secretion of such hormones.

you control.
when your under the influence, you feel. past experiences dictate love is work. to maintain feeling one has to avoid getting used to it. you can lose love just as easily. people who believe in destiny are fickle. they'll go with the flow and claim the "good" feeling feels right, hence it must be in the stars! bah.. (advice :- if you are already in a relationship and feel yourself attracted to someone else, recognize the attraction and put your feelings on hold. get used to them. they'll die out. its upto you really, if u think you stand to lose more than you'd like. don't do it. if you don't. go ahead. its that simple.)
its all in the mind. you are in control. live by excuses if it makes life easier. *puke*

Contempt: the elation you get when you tell yourself "i'm better than you". haha. you egoless imbecile, you are pathetic.

Conceit: vanity. blatant presumption. obnoxious. you are the loser.

Selfishness: an instinct, it was necessary for self preservation in the neanderthal age. redundant now. unnecessary. you will ultimately end up surrounding yourself with people like you. you'll seldom find peace, unless you take sanyas in an old age home. aged and old. enjoy your peace that you've struggled so hard to attain. "fruits of toil and labour are sweet". for your sake, i sincerely hope that is true.

second chances.
depends on you. solely. whether you choose to give yourself another chance or not. whether you can forgive yourself and take action to rectify. regardless of what you've already lost by your actions.. atleast you can grant yourself the feeling of gratification of reform. regardless of whether people who have been compromised by your actions still believe in you. I would much rather feel remorse than be able to define it.

Stop being a loser. Lose your illusions.
signing off
Aditya.

Disclaimer : this post is purely an expression of my disgust. I am not subtle.

Aurora

so it is
dark sky and thunder
dark clouds and night, darker
storm. hail storm. perfect storm
and i put out my and to feel.

The fire burns inside
burning still, and brighter
cold comfort, crystals of ice
strike my hand. I feel

the comfort in the sound of your voice.
the comfort that you felt in mine.
passion, with the fervour of steam,
the climax of fire and ice.
we shone like the forever stone,
a diamond and its blinding shine.

we were
a ship in a bottle set sail
and tossed upon rough seas
see at last, the roughness is past,
the water is austere and azure, at last.
let us now forget the breeze.

moments of completeness and more
all that we've struggled for
moments of joy in our sacred place
where we made love in purple haze

we made love and purple haze.


and so it is.
the colder water.
the fire warmer.

come, feel the rain again.
come breathe the fire again.

Rollercoaster Ride

found a journal i maintained a long while ago. found this vial of verse among fond memories. in the days where dreams reigned supreme, wrote this when i was fourteen.

Rollercoaster Ride

I sat here and she lied there
on the bed, her open hair
I rose up and she watched me
I came near her (have mercy!)
She didn't move away
instead, began to sway
and tremble with my touch
with a magnitude as such
that she couldn't resist but kiss,
and kiss indeed.. intense
I am grateful, thank you Miss
She said, "Don't be that Dense!"
For tonight we give in.
We give in to our lust.
rejoice, in this deadly sin.
after all, we are one, our bodies dust.

All the Passion, the fury
of the night, the night is still young.
don't stop, let love be the jury.
Miss, "a hunter is your tongue"
and i proceed, taken your advice
down your breasts, your navel
absorb this paradise
where'd love dwell.

Your skin.. soft
your breasts, aloft.
you twinge here and there
our shadows on the walls
and our hands everywhere

estranged ways, our bodies entangle
beyond the bed,
your legs dangle,
and the insync of our bodies
tonight's enchanted

and you kicked me there itself.
"Good morning!"
back to earth I landed.

night light

another world. chugging like momentum train wheels acquire steadily. gaining velocity and delivering the sound of metal clatter, vibrating the ground I stand on. and my heart. beating in resonance with the wavelengths of the sounds emitted by the engine mechanism. A drive into the night. seemingly endless and farther still, while i look out the window upon the lighted highway, lighted for a few constant yards. just. the wind remains, bearing the train cutting thru the ether, enveloping its body with eagerness. fluid dynamic. omnipotent and elsewhere. I close my eyes and go back to those moments. I can still feel it enveloping my being, music delivering the flavour to this time overpowering within my chest. heavy bass in synchronous with the rest. this moment is preserved within me. i took everything. it is mine, and its been only 2 days. Its the same feeling i get when i master a guitar piece. when i compose with satisfaction, only satisfaction comes ever so unoften. when the rays of the sun creep inside my room during twilight, illuminating the movement of my fingers. feels like a
kiss, the sun, ejecting drops of flame, burning my lips and i relish the taste of the wound. the same feel when I stood on the top of a dam back in the days of wellington. valley view and the dense clouds of chilly wind ramming the sides of my body, as if to take me alongwith. the same when i galloped on tango along the banks of pykara, adrenaline pumping in my veins in every descent and jump the horse took. it flew.
words are hard to find, to describe. nevermind. I can go back to this moment, my haven. my mind. I be.

I'm deep in big shit. lets see if i sustain.

Control

The last few days have been extremely exciting. while wailing away time in constant inquisition, i realized my state of mind. It is required for me to give a brief description of the recent events that have occurred in my seemingly innocuous life ; The prospective loss of a loved one and all the hulla-bulla that goes along with it. Now, most people, after encountering ( apt word eh? ) such mind heaving events tend to disassociate themselves from it. They "cutoff" themselves or become "detached". I can never become the former, these events are too exciting. "cutting off" yourself would mean that one doesn't have the strength to face the situation. Its an experiment for me , to observe my mind and its reactions, and do i love self discovery! detachment would imply indifference. although that did seemed to have set in, detachment can also imply an absence of prejudice or bias. The latter would be a better definition of my state, however, it is not of an exhaustive nature. It is mind control (OOoooh...) .

The fact that i wouldn't want to cutoff or make myself indifferent to the blows of the outside world, leads my mind with no other option but to discipline. To develop a control of my thoughts to control from being controlled by external agents. To make the spontaneous, the non-spontaneous. blah blah and all that jazz. There is no other option but to discipline the mind. and there is achievement to that end. A befitting analogy is that of a door that can be locked or opened at will. If I want to feel, i can make myself to. If I don't, i can lock away my feelings. It stems from my alacrity to experience. and react. and observe myself reacting. every new reaction to an emotion is a thrill. if there is no new reaction, there is control over that particular emotion. It is at my disposal to feel or not to feel.

so, to surmise, I have greater control over my emotions and thoughts than i ever did before, and it is superlative (yoohoo!). This is ataraxia.
I love what i am becoming.

whodunnit?

just checked out the ads being displayed on the blog.
roflmao!
so that's what an unbiased mechanized algorithm would infer from the few lines posted prior. depression. brilliant!
oh and....
thanks to a series of notorious and freakish activities, i finally know how a lock and key mechanism functions..

PS : if i posted "whore, prostitute, escort etc" what would google advertise? i would like to be surprised

incognito?

desire.
degenerative and dangerous.
deleterious
destructive.
bring forth the dawn of the dying days.
the dusk of the lying days
and inbetween
in the dead silence of the night,
blackest of night, drowning in its constant thirst.

mere gratification of the senses.
the pursuit of the object desired,
loss of power, lesser than you will know.
lesser to drink for the blood whore.
and a prisoner you are,
becoming, befitted.

tainted things omnipotent.
you won't realise the price desired
by joy itself. dance. make merry.
momentary joy brought its budding desire
a longing for more. a wish. a want.
synonyms of the same, desire.
undefined it remains.
leaving your remains,
subtle carrion still left to bleed on
desire delegating larvae to feed on,
the last drop, before it runs dry.

tainted things omnipotent.
in your time of greed,
leave you impotent.
in your time of need,
destroy and dominate.
revolt and resuscitate.
control and refrain.
restrict and regain.

hit me hard.
i will take it.
hit me harder.
i can take it.

seeking honour.
seeking glory.
a devotion to create the ultimate story.
untainted entity, wherein glory lies.
pure and pristine. i let go.