Control

The last few days have been extremely exciting. while wailing away time in constant inquisition, i realized my state of mind. It is required for me to give a brief description of the recent events that have occurred in my seemingly innocuous life ; The prospective loss of a loved one and all the hulla-bulla that goes along with it. Now, most people, after encountering ( apt word eh? ) such mind heaving events tend to disassociate themselves from it. They "cutoff" themselves or become "detached". I can never become the former, these events are too exciting. "cutting off" yourself would mean that one doesn't have the strength to face the situation. Its an experiment for me , to observe my mind and its reactions, and do i love self discovery! detachment would imply indifference. although that did seemed to have set in, detachment can also imply an absence of prejudice or bias. The latter would be a better definition of my state, however, it is not of an exhaustive nature. It is mind control (OOoooh...) .

The fact that i wouldn't want to cutoff or make myself indifferent to the blows of the outside world, leads my mind with no other option but to discipline. To develop a control of my thoughts to control from being controlled by external agents. To make the spontaneous, the non-spontaneous. blah blah and all that jazz. There is no other option but to discipline the mind. and there is achievement to that end. A befitting analogy is that of a door that can be locked or opened at will. If I want to feel, i can make myself to. If I don't, i can lock away my feelings. It stems from my alacrity to experience. and react. and observe myself reacting. every new reaction to an emotion is a thrill. if there is no new reaction, there is control over that particular emotion. It is at my disposal to feel or not to feel.

so, to surmise, I have greater control over my emotions and thoughts than i ever did before, and it is superlative (yoohoo!). This is ataraxia.
I love what i am becoming.