night light

another world. chugging like momentum train wheels acquire steadily. gaining velocity and delivering the sound of metal clatter, vibrating the ground I stand on. and my heart. beating in resonance with the wavelengths of the sounds emitted by the engine mechanism. A drive into the night. seemingly endless and farther still, while i look out the window upon the lighted highway, lighted for a few constant yards. just. the wind remains, bearing the train cutting thru the ether, enveloping its body with eagerness. fluid dynamic. omnipotent and elsewhere. I close my eyes and go back to those moments. I can still feel it enveloping my being, music delivering the flavour to this time overpowering within my chest. heavy bass in synchronous with the rest. this moment is preserved within me. i took everything. it is mine, and its been only 2 days. Its the same feeling i get when i master a guitar piece. when i compose with satisfaction, only satisfaction comes ever so unoften. when the rays of the sun creep inside my room during twilight, illuminating the movement of my fingers. feels like a
kiss, the sun, ejecting drops of flame, burning my lips and i relish the taste of the wound. the same feel when I stood on the top of a dam back in the days of wellington. valley view and the dense clouds of chilly wind ramming the sides of my body, as if to take me alongwith. the same when i galloped on tango along the banks of pykara, adrenaline pumping in my veins in every descent and jump the horse took. it flew.
words are hard to find, to describe. nevermind. I can go back to this moment, my haven. my mind. I be.

I'm deep in big shit. lets see if i sustain.

Control

The last few days have been extremely exciting. while wailing away time in constant inquisition, i realized my state of mind. It is required for me to give a brief description of the recent events that have occurred in my seemingly innocuous life ; The prospective loss of a loved one and all the hulla-bulla that goes along with it. Now, most people, after encountering ( apt word eh? ) such mind heaving events tend to disassociate themselves from it. They "cutoff" themselves or become "detached". I can never become the former, these events are too exciting. "cutting off" yourself would mean that one doesn't have the strength to face the situation. Its an experiment for me , to observe my mind and its reactions, and do i love self discovery! detachment would imply indifference. although that did seemed to have set in, detachment can also imply an absence of prejudice or bias. The latter would be a better definition of my state, however, it is not of an exhaustive nature. It is mind control (OOoooh...) .

The fact that i wouldn't want to cutoff or make myself indifferent to the blows of the outside world, leads my mind with no other option but to discipline. To develop a control of my thoughts to control from being controlled by external agents. To make the spontaneous, the non-spontaneous. blah blah and all that jazz. There is no other option but to discipline the mind. and there is achievement to that end. A befitting analogy is that of a door that can be locked or opened at will. If I want to feel, i can make myself to. If I don't, i can lock away my feelings. It stems from my alacrity to experience. and react. and observe myself reacting. every new reaction to an emotion is a thrill. if there is no new reaction, there is control over that particular emotion. It is at my disposal to feel or not to feel.

so, to surmise, I have greater control over my emotions and thoughts than i ever did before, and it is superlative (yoohoo!). This is ataraxia.
I love what i am becoming.

whodunnit?

just checked out the ads being displayed on the blog.
roflmao!
so that's what an unbiased mechanized algorithm would infer from the few lines posted prior. depression. brilliant!
oh and....
thanks to a series of notorious and freakish activities, i finally know how a lock and key mechanism functions..

PS : if i posted "whore, prostitute, escort etc" what would google advertise? i would like to be surprised

incognito?

desire.
degenerative and dangerous.
deleterious
destructive.
bring forth the dawn of the dying days.
the dusk of the lying days
and inbetween
in the dead silence of the night,
blackest of night, drowning in its constant thirst.

mere gratification of the senses.
the pursuit of the object desired,
loss of power, lesser than you will know.
lesser to drink for the blood whore.
and a prisoner you are,
becoming, befitted.

tainted things omnipotent.
you won't realise the price desired
by joy itself. dance. make merry.
momentary joy brought its budding desire
a longing for more. a wish. a want.
synonyms of the same, desire.
undefined it remains.
leaving your remains,
subtle carrion still left to bleed on
desire delegating larvae to feed on,
the last drop, before it runs dry.

tainted things omnipotent.
in your time of greed,
leave you impotent.
in your time of need,
destroy and dominate.
revolt and resuscitate.
control and refrain.
restrict and regain.

hit me hard.
i will take it.
hit me harder.
i can take it.

seeking honour.
seeking glory.
a devotion to create the ultimate story.
untainted entity, wherein glory lies.
pure and pristine. i let go.